So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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