My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
