I looked at my own cervix.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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