I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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