Someone shit on the floor
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
