Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
