the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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