the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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