every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
