We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
