I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
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Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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