omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
