new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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