I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
