I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
