Just fell off a train. Bad.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
