so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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