wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
