you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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