Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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