how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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