wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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