did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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