So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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