Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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