Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
