when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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