atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
