i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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