We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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