Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
