When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
