He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
