Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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