he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
