There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
