I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
