alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
