True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
