I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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