I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
