omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
