I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
