i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
