Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
