Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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