Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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