Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
