I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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