On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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