i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
