Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
