hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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