Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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