No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
