Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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