in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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