What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
