ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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