did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits